Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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