I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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