you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
