Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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