Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
