he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
