We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she told me i tasted like america
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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