Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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