you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize