Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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