My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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