The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize