i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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