so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
