I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize