i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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