wat bout pragnant strippers??
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
