yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
