i need an iv and a liver transplant
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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