Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
