two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
