I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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