Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
