Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
