It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
