the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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