just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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