the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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