Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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