If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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