Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
