I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
