I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
