i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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