Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just gift wrapped bread.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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