Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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