Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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