I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
