she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
