I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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