I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
