Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I AM VODKA MAN
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
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