Do you still have your period?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
