What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
