I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize