Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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