I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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