Only a mothe r could love this liver
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
