I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
