if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
