I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
