sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
