this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
