i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
