im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
