I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
